Thursday, August 4, 2011

A letter to myself.

37 weeks , August 4, 2010

Dear Me:

I know what you're're sitting in bed, watching Twilight in a feeble attempt to distract yourself from the dread that's making your heart so heavy you think it might suffocate you and the babies. You're feeling like before your tenure as a mother has even begun, you've already failed. Failed because your c-section was scheduled and instead of being so excited to meet those two little guys you've grown, you're terrified. Failed because despite every attempt, you couldn't get Baby A to turn. Failed because you think having a natural birth was your last chance to have a "normal" pregnancy experience. Failed because after everything you've been through over the last two years--the heartache, the fear, the shots and procedures--you've been so brave. But where is your courage now?

Well, lovey, let me give you a little peak into the future. I can't tell you that the c-section was great, that the hospital met all your birth plan requests, that breastfeeding was a breeze, or that what happens on August 12 won't change you--make you stronger and harder in some ways and more fragile in others. But I can tell you this: one year from now, you will be so proud of yourself.

You will have these two perfect little humans that you will marvel at every day. They will exceed your wildest that somehow the embryologist selected the two sperms and two eggs that contained the very best of S's and your DNA. You will look at them every day and be reminded of how blessed you are, of just how much God spared you from...that, as bad as it was, it could have been far, far worse.

You won't suck at being a mother. In fact, for the first time in your life, you'll actually feel like you're good at something. You'll find patience and love like you could never have imagined (Mom was had NO idea the depth of a mother's love).

You'll finally understand that you couldn't move Baby A (that's G, by the way), because once he makes his mind up to do something, he does it no matter what. He's stubborn and tenacious. And you'll love him for those qualities and a million others.

And I know you're worried that things will change between you and S. They will. But not like you think. You'll actually be closer and more of a team than ever before. His stoicism will balance your neurotic mama freak-outs, and your heart will break at how deeply devoted he is to the boys. Seeing them together will remind you over and over of why you went through what you did--to give him this gift...these babies...his sons.

Now go back to watching Edward and Bella. Enjoy these last few lazy moments. Thank God that you're 37 weeks pregnant with two strong, healthy babies. Find peace in your heart knowing that despite what happens next week, it will all be worth it. In a year, G will sing along as you two dance around to the Slackers. Q will give you big, wet kisses and rub his little cheek against yours. A lot will be taken from you in that operating room, but not these moments. They will be made more precious, more sweet and fleeting, because you will never forget that for as bad as it was, it could have been far, far worse.


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